the ninja's lair

a ninja's lair is a frightful thing. it's full to overflowing with sharpened steely things, swinging chainy things, and an assorted array of some of the more curious tools of assassination.

every bottle of perfume is poison, every talcum tin full of anthrax, and every shred of clothing designed for concealment and deathbringing.

when walking into a ninja's lair, always remember to touch nothing.

not a thing.

especially the fluffy teddy bear with the pretty blue ribbon.

remember: ninja dating rituals can be confusing. to be on the safe side, remove all knives, forks and chopsticks from the dinner table before feeding your ninja. she won't mind. she's used to bringing her own knives.

ninja food

ninja eat all kinds of stuff.

they're fond of rice, and like it served with just about anything. as part of their daily self-defence practice, they often dose their food with any number of poisons to build immunities which can blunt any enemy ninja attacks with such sticky liquids designed to unbalance and even kill!

ninja are very proud of their cooking expertise, and can disguise the flavour of even the strongest poisons with a variety of subtle herbs and spices. in fact, they're often employed by fast food chains to do just that.

remember: ninjas don't play dominoes with anyone who hasn't got a black belt in domi no fu.

ninja disguises

ninja are masters of disguise.

sometimes, you will never know a ninja you know even if they were standing in front of you. they could be anyone. that guy on the corner. that dude over there. or, even, that one with the funny hat.

mostly you can recognise them by the sword on their back, though.

it is best to remember, though, that ninja are very sensitive about their disguises, so you should never point out that they look very conspicuous in that black overcoat and crazy 50s-style hat.

finally, when a ninja says, "how do i look?" it is not a time for honesty.

"wow! who are you?" is an acceptable reply.

remember: when ninjas fight, the ninja who has no ninja pals will always win. for this reason, the best ninjas all fight solo.

ninja sports

ninjas don't understand sports.

they understand the bit where players are given a variety of weapons in the form of bats and balls, but they don't understand the bit where they don't try to kill each other with them.

as a result, attempting to watch the cricket on tv when your ninja is around is probably not the wisest move you ever make.

"he's out? what do you mean, out? he's still able to walk!"

remember: ninjas are allergic to cheerleaders. you will be too, when you live with ninjas. or you'll be killed.

ninja deals death to the busker

once upon a time, outside the bookstore where i work in perth (that's in australia - a place commonly settled in by real ninjas), there was a busker.

this busker loved jesus, but he didn't seem to love anything else. he certainly didn't love peace and quiet, because he simply couldn't seem to grasp the basic concepts behind such vast and meaningful words.

he would sing his six songs over and over, with such gusto that you could hear his songs for many miles. in fact, if you went right to the back of the bookstore and hid in the closet, with the store's own music loudly playing over the speakers right above you, you would still hear the busker as if he was standing right next to you singing to you about how much he loves jesus.

for an hour he would sing his songs of loving jesus. then, as it is a law he cannot busk in any place for longer than forty-five minutes, he would pack his things and walk away.

for fifteen minutes.

then he'd set up his guitar and repeat his performance.

every day.

between three and five times a day.

very loudly.

once, an old lady asked him if he could just lower his volume for a few minutes while she ate her lunch in the small seats provided for just such an occupation. it seemed she couldn't get her hearing aid down low enough to block his constant yawling.

he told her he didn't listen to heathens, and that she was interfering in his workspace. the fact that his vocal noise reached out beyond his workspace and into the comfort zones of those unfortunate enough to be relaxing or working nearby didn't seem to bother him in the least. afterall, he was saving our souls.

unfortunately for this magnificent specimen of irritation (and badly-designed t-shirts), my ninja happened to notice his performance, and decided to teach him a few things.

first, she nailed him to the wall.

secondly, she showed him six ninja stars, and proceeded to teach him that repetition can really, really hurt.

then she took his vocal chords and showed him what they looked like when they were stretched across his forehead.

from thereon in, it really got a little messy.

and then they all lived happily ever after. well, except for the dead busker. he stopped living at all. but then, noone really expected him to live giving the condition he arrived at the hospital in...

the end.

remember: ninjas love gaffa tape.

things you'll never see ninja do: #2

you'll never see ninjas wearing pink fluffy bunny slippers.

remember: ninja have no patience for the internet. its only use is for emailing hate letters to the members of weezer.

have ninja will travel

ninjas can't stay in one place for very long, or they get restless.

to start with, their job requires constant travelling from place to place, assassinating, spying, and generally doing ninja-type spooky stuff.

when ninjas travel, they travel in disguise. this one time, my ninja travelled in a donald duck costume. a couple of kids rushed her at the airport, screaming, "donald! donald!"

they wouldn't leave her alone as we tried to collect our baggage.

"i'm in disguise," she hissed. "go away! i'm not donald!"

"donald!" they cried.

so she cut them up with her ninja sword.

remember: never judge a ninja by her outfit.

ninjas are merciless

ninjas show no mercy. they can kill anything that moves, even fluffy bunnies.

they are known to ignore pleas for mercy, offers of gold, and even promises of m&ms! they are swift, and deadly in their precision.

plead all you like, the won't listen.

they'll just slice open your belly and steal the m&ms off your corpse.

remember: ninjas have no sense of humour. they don't even laugh when they see monty python movies.

ninja interests

it's not widely appreciated, but ninjas have many hobbies and interests. in fact, their recreational activities are highly regarded as the weirdest in the known universe. many involve shiny sharp toys and unwilling skin, but some might involve thick rope or barbed wire.

it is also widely known that sharing hobbies and interests with ninjas is not a sensible way to avoid lengthy prison terms.

remember: YOU might think fluffy bunnies are harmless, but ninjas don't.

things you'll never see ninja do: #1

remember: ninja don't like it when you tell them their outfit reminds you of spiderman movies.

wake up, ninjahead

remember that game you had, when you were young? you'd sneak up on your brother or sister as they snored and drooled in their sleep? remember the pure savage glee you felt as you yelled, "BOO!" at the top of your lungs into their ear. how they woke with a squeal and cried and wet their pants and told your parents, who grounded you for a week and a half?

well, you should never play that game with ninjas unless you're looking to be nailed to a wall.

remember: ninjas can't be zombies, because they're ninjas.

ninja power tools

sometimes you have to be the handyman about the house. maybe a small plumbing job. perhaps a bit of gardening, or a spot of computer-fiddling. in any case, it's not a good idea to ask the ninja to help by, maybe, handing you the tools.

she might think the screwdriver should be thrown at your eyes - just to test its weight, of course. afterall, she never knows when she might need to jackie-chan a group of enemy ninjas and she'd only have a screwdriver and a fistful of nails.

remember: ninjas love punk music. it helps them to get into character. there's rumours that sid vicious is still alive and coaching ninjas in the famous art of bass-in face fu, said to be an ancient chinese martial art which ninjas are quickly finding quite handy to use in shopping malls.

oh, sweet ninja

ninjas are unstoppable killing machines. you can't distract them from their single-minded purpose.

but, when they are not on a death-dealing mission, you can distract them with sugary candies. simply toss one in the ninja's general direction. she will immediately slice it in two and, swifter than the proverbial fly, she will snap both pieces between her teeth and gleefully rend the helpless pieces into smaller pieces which she will swallow with no outward sign of satisfaction.

but the fact that you survive tossing anything at her is a sure sign of her hopeless love of candies.

although, hearing the eerie sound of her voice growling, "give me more candy, or i will autopsy you," might not be the most rewarding experience of your life.

remember: ninjas don't like ballroom dancing unless they can massacre everyone first.

the ninjabread man

remember: ninjas despise anything which is not practical. they won't even eat cookies, unless said cookies have delightful creamy centres. in which case they might have one or two - just to be polite, of course.

ninja stars

ninjas aren't really into reading their ninja stars.

they think astrology isn't relevent to their lifestyle. my ninja is a scorpio. she's secretly proud of it, because it means she has a big stingy poisonous thing which she can use to kill her enemies with. since she started reading her ninja stars in ninja weekly, she's been carrying her kusarigama around a lot more. she says it must be good luck, because it's kind of like a scorpio's weapon of choice.

this week, her ninja stars said she must be "careful of crouching tigers."

i was born in the year of the tiger. she has been sitting on her chair, scowling at me, playing with the chain of her kusarigama. she says, "if you move, i'll kill you," a lot.

i'm not moving.

her kusarigama is sharp and the pointy end worries me.

remember: ninja don't mind the sight of blood, so they don't worry when they get a paper cut, unless they poisoned the paper before they cut themself. then they die.

be vewwy vewwy quiet - we're hunting ninjas

ninjas are stealthy.

they're so quiet, you can't hear them even if you have your hearing aid turned right up to its highest setting. they can slip across a floor of bubblewrap and not pop a single bubble. they can sneak up right behind you, wrap their ninja arms around you and poke long metal straws into your ears and suck out out your brains, and you wouldn't even hear a thing even as your gooey mushy brains dribbled down your cheeks.

ninjas expect you to be noisy, but they really hate it when you are. you can't ever sneak up on a ninja, so don't even try. they'll only fill your guts with pointy ninja stars if you try. but, in the middle of the day when they're sleeping, never walk around the house. always shuffle as quietly as you can. never do the vacuuming when you live with a ninja.

remember: never take a ninja to see a tom hanks film.
they hate tom hanks, and rightly so.

sleep well, ninja

when saying goodnight to your ninja, make sure you disarm her before giving the goodnight cuddle. it can be quite painful if she takes offence and decides to give you a bit of a scar to remember your stupidity by.

as it is, she'll still attack you and give you a fine ninja-beating, but most of the bruises aren't permanent and broken bones will heal without visible scarring, but those nasty slashes down your cheeks are a dead giveaway as sign of someone stupid enough to cuddle an armed ninja.

never tell a ninja you love her. always tell her, instead, that you respect and admire her for being the most sensible and dedicated ninja you have known. bow politely, and return to your bedroom.

walk backwards, and never turn your back to her, or the ninja may suspect you of being sarcastic. (being sarcastic is something i never do.)

be warned that, when ninjas suspect sarcasm, they often respond with severe and swift action guaranteed to leave your kidneys bleeding.

remember: ninjas think love is something you feel for a puppy.
don't think this means ninjas like puppies. puppies poop on floors and chew ninja slippers.

ninja kisses

some ninjas poison their lips and when you kiss them, you will die at the dastardly claws of some weird and painful poison. this is why you should never try to kiss a ninja. you can be sure they will either cut off your lips for further inspection, or allow you to kiss them before walking away without seeming care. if the latter occurs, call an ambulance immediately and inform them you have been poisoned with an obscure poison obtained from some rare tropical plant. ask them to do their best, but don't be too surprised if you drop dead before reaching the emergency ward.

remember: ninjas are the best sneakers in the world, and i don't mean they're made by nike to be worn by ill-tempered basketball players.

three simple facts about ninjas

1) ninjas have swords. don't mess with ninjas. they can cut you up into so many pieces even a champion jigsaw-putter-back-togetherer couldn't put you back together again, humpty dumpty.

2) ninjas think everything is a weapon. don't let them run off with your curry, your spoons, or your teddy bear. especially not all three at once.

3) no self-respecting ninja would be caught dead at a britney concert.

remember: ninjas have cool names, like black ninja, red ninja, or white ninja. green ninja is not a cool ninja name, but i like it anyway.

ninja sees homepage - is dubious

today, my ninja saw my homepage.

she raised her eyebrow and wondered what i was doing. she pointed out that ninjas are usually black, not pink.

i'm shocked. i thought pink was a more frightening colour.

i think, if ninjas really want to scare people, they should wear pink. i mean, if i were coming home late at night, and a pink-clad ninja slipped out of the shadows, i'd be frightened.

i told her i made the page because i love her. that made her scowl happily again, but i think she's a bit worried about it.

i promised i would not reveal any of her ninja secrets. like where she keeps her little throwing stars.

remember: ninjas never play with little children. not unless they need something to practice shooting their poisonous blowdarts at.

ninja kitten

remember: ninjas don't stop to smell the roses - they cut roses in half with their ubersharp ninja swords of doom!

living with ninjas

living with ninjas can be an incredibly dangerous, and often fatal, choice of lifestyle. however, it can also be rewarding, too. (anyone who knows of any true rewards can email me to let me know.)

to help you survive your time spent with ninjas, i have collected and will collect, lessons, examples, guides, and moments of singular wit and wisdom which i hope will extend your life expectancy by some small degree.

remember: ninjas never laugh. not even when someone they don't like slips on banana peel.