i've put up a new blog - with a growing amount of the old couch of doom reviews, as well as more fresh stuff. it's just a dumping ground, really, but i like it.
you can find it at http://www.lateralobsessions.com
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, February 23, 2007
Friday, October 21, 2005
notice
hi, just in case you thought i was dying, i've actually been quite busy removing and moving all online content from all blogs to: http://www.recklesscouchcreations.com
yay!
yay!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
ninja roach fu
ninjas are often unforgiving when it comes to insects. especially large creepy ones with many legs and hard crunchy armour shells.
an unsupecting cockroach crawling up a door can find itself the sudden victim of a ninja's ruthless roach fu technique.
this often involves a foot, a kiai, and a horrible squishy sound followed closely by a grunt and a demand i clean the door of another awful smear.
around ninja, there are many smears.
an unsupecting cockroach crawling up a door can find itself the sudden victim of a ninja's ruthless roach fu technique.
this often involves a foot, a kiai, and a horrible squishy sound followed closely by a grunt and a demand i clean the door of another awful smear.
around ninja, there are many smears.
remember: a ninja does NOT have a flabby bottom.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
ninjas hate fluffy penguins
ninjas hate fluffy penguins. in fact, when they see fluffy penguins, they only want to chop them up and eat them with a side of rice and tofu.
remember: when ninjas eat tofu, it's not a good idea to tell them that vegetarian food's for sissies.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
ninja vs mosquito attack
when ninjas hear the sound of buzzing in the night, it can only mean one of two things to them.
either someone's blowing poisonous darts in their direction, or else there's a hungry she-bitch mosquito on the loose! in either case, there's only one option.
that's a frenzied attack.
the only difference in situations is that, in case of blowdarts, the weapon of choice is strictly limited to a ninja sword of much-person-of-blowdart-blowy-killy and, in case of mosquito, anything that comes in handy.
watching ninjas slice mosquitoes in half with a wide variety of thrown ninja weapons is both hypnotic and oddly terrifying.
what's worse is seeing a squealing mosquito victim impaled against the table with a blue ballpoint, leaking blood and ink, while your ninja looms overhead, crying, "i see my blood! my blood!!!"
there's something kind of disturbing in that one...
either someone's blowing poisonous darts in their direction, or else there's a hungry she-bitch mosquito on the loose! in either case, there's only one option.
that's a frenzied attack.
the only difference in situations is that, in case of blowdarts, the weapon of choice is strictly limited to a ninja sword of much-person-of-blowdart-blowy-killy and, in case of mosquito, anything that comes in handy.
watching ninjas slice mosquitoes in half with a wide variety of thrown ninja weapons is both hypnotic and oddly terrifying.
what's worse is seeing a squealing mosquito victim impaled against the table with a blue ballpoint, leaking blood and ink, while your ninja looms overhead, crying, "i see my blood! my blood!!!"
there's something kind of disturbing in that one...
remember: when ninjas ask if you'd like to frolic on the bed, you can be sure it's going to hurt. a lot.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
ninja channel surfing
ninjas love remote controls.
they love flipping channels, often with a variety of loud grunts and squeals.
"die, oprah, die!" as she stabs the buttons on the remote.
i hid the remote, once.
so my ninja changed the channels with ninja stars instead. my tv has many holes in it.
they love flipping channels, often with a variety of loud grunts and squeals.
"die, oprah, die!" as she stabs the buttons on the remote.
i hid the remote, once.
so my ninja changed the channels with ninja stars instead. my tv has many holes in it.
remember: about the only trick ninjas will perform in public is slicing up your nose with corn chips when you ask them to perform tricks in public for your friends.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
the ninja's lair
a ninja's lair is a frightful thing. it's full to overflowing with sharpened steely things, swinging chainy things, and an assorted array of some of the more curious tools of assassination.
every bottle of perfume is poison, every talcum tin full of anthrax, and every shred of clothing designed for concealment and deathbringing.
when walking into a ninja's lair, always remember to touch nothing.
not a thing.
especially the fluffy teddy bear with the pretty blue ribbon.
every bottle of perfume is poison, every talcum tin full of anthrax, and every shred of clothing designed for concealment and deathbringing.
when walking into a ninja's lair, always remember to touch nothing.
not a thing.
especially the fluffy teddy bear with the pretty blue ribbon.
remember: ninja dating rituals can be confusing. to be on the safe side, remove all knives, forks and chopsticks from the dinner table before feeding your ninja. she won't mind. she's used to bringing her own knives.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
ninja food
ninja eat all kinds of stuff.
they're fond of rice, and like it served with just about anything. as part of their daily self-defence practice, they often dose their food with any number of poisons to build immunities which can blunt any enemy ninja attacks with such sticky liquids designed to unbalance and even kill!
ninja are very proud of their cooking expertise, and can disguise the flavour of even the strongest poisons with a variety of subtle herbs and spices. in fact, they're often employed by fast food chains to do just that.
they're fond of rice, and like it served with just about anything. as part of their daily self-defence practice, they often dose their food with any number of poisons to build immunities which can blunt any enemy ninja attacks with such sticky liquids designed to unbalance and even kill!
ninja are very proud of their cooking expertise, and can disguise the flavour of even the strongest poisons with a variety of subtle herbs and spices. in fact, they're often employed by fast food chains to do just that.
remember: ninjas don't play dominoes with anyone who hasn't got a black belt in domi no fu.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
ninja disguises
ninja are masters of disguise.
sometimes, you will never know a ninja you know even if they were standing in front of you. they could be anyone. that guy on the corner. that dude over there. or, even, that one with the funny hat.
mostly you can recognise them by the sword on their back, though.
it is best to remember, though, that ninja are very sensitive about their disguises, so you should never point out that they look very conspicuous in that black overcoat and crazy 50s-style hat.
finally, when a ninja says, "how do i look?" it is not a time for honesty.
"wow! who are you?" is an acceptable reply.
sometimes, you will never know a ninja you know even if they were standing in front of you. they could be anyone. that guy on the corner. that dude over there. or, even, that one with the funny hat.
mostly you can recognise them by the sword on their back, though.
it is best to remember, though, that ninja are very sensitive about their disguises, so you should never point out that they look very conspicuous in that black overcoat and crazy 50s-style hat.
finally, when a ninja says, "how do i look?" it is not a time for honesty.
"wow! who are you?" is an acceptable reply.
remember: when ninjas fight, the ninja who has no ninja pals will always win. for this reason, the best ninjas all fight solo.
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